This is a personal journal entry from the actor Jonathan Emond. The Artists in Depth community thanks him for his candidness and willingness to share it.
What a journey it has been. Each role I’ve taken the time to truly live has helped me clarify who and what I am. Theo [a character portrayed]… so much suffering. He taught me how Jonathan makes decisions. That I do my best to make decisions out of the love of the greater good of all, not based on craving. Ryan [another character portrayed]… so devoted. He taught me about slowing down and opening up to life. That heaven and hell are mental constructs, not destinations. Also, how fulfilling it is to embody discipline.
Every time I begin exploring and find myself living in the depths of these creations, I seem to come out of it with the opposite of the characters' principles and qualities until I balance back. Theo was about short term satisfaction, pleasures/gain and ignorant to long term consequences. Ryan was all about productivity and getting goals achieved. No breaks, just new deadlines. I experienced what those qualities create as a reality, environment, and being. Which made me so grateful for being me. Living in the ignorance of suffering when you consciously choose to walk the path of being… is extremely difficult, it’s self-destructing. Being reminded every time I plunge into characters has made me re-evaluate how I approach this art. The damages of suffering always take time to recover. Even when the character fulfilled their purpose and I came back to my lifestyle.
It feels like I’m always starting back from ground zero after every role. That I need to start loving myself again and rebuild my being. Reflecting these past few days has made me realize how egocentric it’s been of me to pursue this artistic journey. Consistently looking for another way to validate instead of realizing I’m enough as myself right now. I’ll see how I feel about exploring different paths to being and creating… One step at a time I guess… But for now, I’ll just continue breathing.
Jo
Ps. You got this homie, I’m so proud of you! Keep on being and spreading that love to those lucky enough to cross you. Forever grateful to keep experiencing life your way. Keep on being Brodie! Much love, peace, happiness, and abundance
Jonathan, such a journey you are on. The one called self-discovery. You're amazing at reflecting and integrating what you're pulling out of yourself, seeing where it belongs, what is yours to keep and what you can acknowledge as not yours and put aside.
I recall when I was a young actor, my fear of losing myself in my characters. I didn't know who I was as an actor. My only way of anchoring to some form of reality outside the characters was to anchor to people that I loved - my brothers, my friends. It was a very scary time for me as a teenager. So much 'stuff' to work out over the years. Namely who the fuck was I?…